everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
