apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
