So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
