Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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