I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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