Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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