Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
