What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
