oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
