I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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