Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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