Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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