My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
