I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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