whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
