I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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