he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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