and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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