i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
