now i know why i became what i already was.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
