I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Shame - the story of my life.
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