You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
