when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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