you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
