just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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