whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Sorry about my life...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
