Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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