remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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