Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
50% drunk capacity currently
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize