3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
