I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We left the knife in your bed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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