So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
