You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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