have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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