I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
