My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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