I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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