last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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