i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
