Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
two words: eviction party
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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