It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
