so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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