Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize