I swear she didn't look like that last week.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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