Moan for me like Helen Keller
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
