now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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