I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
