Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize