Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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