Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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