Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
