I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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