i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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