I wish I only lived at night.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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