you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
