My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
