Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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