mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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