in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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