dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
