I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
