I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
