Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
