Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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