wanna go halves on a baby?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
